Coping with grief after a bereavement

Almost everyone will experience grief at some point in their life and it is often most keenly felt after the loss of a loved one. Grief isn’t a single emotion but rather a range of feelings that you experience while going through the grieving process. The experience of grief varies from one person to the next, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

Understanding what to expect when grieving can help you better cope with your loss. Here, we will explore the different stages of grief and the physical and emotional symptoms you may experience as well as advice on how to manage your grief. 

The five stages of grief

Grief can broadly be divided into five stages. However, it is important to note that these stages can be experienced in different orders and for different lengths of time. You may not go through all five stages, and you may repeat stages at different points during your grieving process. 

The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

Denial

Whether you lose a loved one suddenly or their death is expected, when the loss actually occurs, it can still come as a shock. You may, consequently, go into denial and feel numb as your mind struggles to accept that your loved one has died. 

Denial is, therefore, considered to be a coping mechanism that your mind uses to protect yourself against the upsetting emotions that come with bereavement. Moving past denial can be a particularly challenging time as these emotions start to come to the surface.

Anger

Anger is a common part of grief and is a masking effect. This is because it masks other emotions, such as sadness, longing and guilt, which can also occur after a bereavement. 

Your anger could be directed at the loved one you have lost for not being there anymore, at the care team who looked after them for not being able to save their life or even at friends and family for seemingly no apparent reason. 

How your anger presents may vary too. Sometimes, you may feel the need to physically break something, while at other times you may feel resentful or bitter towards others who appear to be moving on with their lives while you still feel stuck in your grief. 

Bargaining

Losing a loved one can make you feel as if you have lost control. In an effort to regain this control, you may start to bargain with yourself, the universe or a higher power in exchange for relief from the intense emotions you are feeling or even in exchange for the return of your loved one. In hindsight, the bargains you make may seem irrational though they are heartfelt at the time. 

The bargaining stage of grief can also often include feelings of guilt as you run through what-if scenarios eg what if you had taken your loved one to see a doctor sooner? What if you had visited more often and, therefore, noticed that something wasn’t quite right?

Depression

After a bereavement, you may go through depression where you are overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and hopelessness. You may feel intensely alone, empty and isolated, despite having friends or family around you who are also grieving. 

Physically, depression can change your appetite and cause weight gain or weight loss, interfere with your ability to concentrate, disturb your sleep and reduce your energy levels.

You may also avoid social situations and feel agitated, worthless and/or guilty. 

Acceptance

Acceptance occurs when you can finally understand and accept the loss of your loved one. 

Although this may come as a relief after enduring many of the more difficult stages of grief, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will feel a surge of happiness or that your grieving process is over. Instead, acceptance is the ability to accept your grief, rather than fight against it or deny the feelings that come with it. 

You may now feel you can cherish the time you spent with your loved one and celebrate who they were, rather than only feeling saddened by their loss. 

Physical symptoms of grief

The intense emotions that come with grief can cause physical symptoms. As mentioned already, this may include sleeplessness, a change in appetite and weight, and reduced concentration and energy levels.

Other physical symptoms of grief include a tightness or heaviness in your chest or throat, a hollow or tight feeling in your abdomen, fatigue, difficulty breathing, a dry mouth, body aches and sensitivity to noise. 

How long does grief last?

There is no set time frame for how long grief lasts. You may grieve for months or years.

You will likely find that there are days when your grief takes you by surprise and feels more intense than other days. You may also find that anniversaries and birthdays bring up difficult feelings for many years after the loss of your loved one. 

However, in general, with time, the intensity of your grief will reduce, and you will have more good days than bad. 

How to cope with grief

As mentioned, grief brings up a lot of different emotions — don’t try to suppress these emotions. It is important to recognise what you’re feeling and allow yourself to feel these emotions. If this means that you often feel like crying, then allow yourself to cry. Crying is your body’s way of trying to soothe you, as it triggers the release of hormones that reduce pain. 

Your grieving process will be unique to you and does not need to conform to a specific timeline. So be patient with yourself and try not to give yourself a hard time over how you’re feeling and/or for how long. 

In addition to giving yourself time to grieve, it is also important to get the support you need, whether that is talking with friends and family or joining a support group. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help too eg you may want to write down how you feel about the loved one you have lost or what you would say to them if they were still here. 

Taking care of your physical health is also important while you grieve. Try your best to follow a healthy, balanced diet, eat regular meals, stick to a good sleep routine and exercise regularly. 

When to seek help

If you feel stuck in your grief, eg you can’t move past feelings of anger, agitation or depression, then it is important to see your GP. Likewise, if you are struggling to cope with the physical symptoms of grief, you should also see your GP. 

Depending on your symptoms, they may suggest grief counselling, support groups, cognitive behavioural therapy or medical treatment, such as taking antidepressants or sleeping tablets. 

Where to find help

You can find support from a variety of bereavement services offered by different UK charities. This includes Cruse Bereavement Support, At A Loss, The Good Grief Trust and the Samaritans.